Overcoming Doubt: Staying Strong in Your Decision to Go No Contact

March 16, 2025

Sherrie L. King, M.S., LPC, GC-C

Introduction

Letting go of a narcissistic parent is one of the most challenging decisions you can make. It often comes after years of manipulation, exploitation, coercion, gaslighting, as well as other forms of emotional abuse and unmet needs. Even after making this choice, it's natural to experience moments of doubt. You may have started questioning whether you did the right thing, especially when feelings of guilt, loneliness, or longing creep in. If you’re struggling with uncertainty about your decision to go no contact, it’s time to reflect on how you decided that going no contact was best for you in the first place. Be clear about your values and reaffirm your boundaries.

Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Guilt

Doubt is likely to occur in any significant life decision. You might miss your parents, feel obligated to maintain the relationship, feel like you’re robbing your children of a grandparent experience, or even have concerns about their well-being. Instead of pushing these feelings away, allow yourself to acknowledge them without guilt. The feeling of guilt in this circumstance arises because you are blaming yourself for what you were unable to control, such as your parents’ abusive behavior. It is possible to feel like you should have been able to give a better life to your children, once again taking on responsibility for your parent’s actions. None of this is your fault! Accepting the blame for someone else’s responsibility is an inappropriate and unfair self-blame. By acting in the healthiest interest of yourself and your children, you made the right decision despite not feeling very good. You probably miss the idea of a good, loving, and genuine family.

Reflect on Why You Went No Contact

You decided to go with no contact for very valid reasons. Typically, it is a last resort, and you know it. Think about all you have suffered and the length of time you suffered it. Think about all that you did to resolve the matters. How did that work out for you? Who listened to you? Who showed care about your concerns? Romanticizing the past is easy when we feel vulnerable, guilty, and obligated. When doubts arise, take time to reflect on the reasons that led you to this decision to let go of abusive people. Consider writing down specific incidents of manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional harm that contributed to your choice. This practice can be a powerful reminder that your decision was made to protect your mental and emotional well-being.

Identify Triggers for Your Doubts

When a trigger is encountered, memories and thoughts connected with traumatic occurrences appear without warning. Usually, individuals experience hardships while trying to stop intrusive thoughts, so in response, unpleasant changes in emotions surface, and then they react by doubting their decision to go no contact. Any number of events can stir up negative recollections and make you question your decision. They might be birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, noticing differences in parenting styles, or even seeing happy parent-child relationships in the media. Recognizing these triggers can help you prepare for them emotionally and develop coping strategies to manage them without compromising your boundaries and values.

Consider the Consequences of Reconnecting

If you’re deliberating about reestablishing contact, take a moment to evaluate what has changed. There is certainly a lot to think about here. Has your parent acknowledged their past behavior? Have they made genuine efforts to respect your boundaries? If so, take into account their motivations. Since the narcissist has not acknowledged your feelings nor given any consideration to how you’ve been affected by their decisions for years, the question is, what do they want? Perhaps they need more drama and chaos to drain you of any remaining passion and vitality for life and living while energizing themselves. You might be succumbing to hoovering, love-bombing, or other manipulative tactics used by the narcissist to reel you back into the chaos. Consider how hard it was to decide to let go of the toxicity in the first place. Remember the possible years of trying to figure out what was wrong, doubting yourself, and doing everything possible to create connection and resolve conflict.  Ask yourself how reengaging may only lead to further disappointment and emotional harm. What could be the pros besides the illusion of an authentic familial relationship? It’s okay to grieve the ideal parent-child relationship you never had while still protecting yourself from continued destructive ways of being.

Remember That Love Doesn’t Equal Tolerance for Abuse

One of the biggest challenges in having no contact with a parent is the internal struggle between loving them and protecting yourself from harm. It’s okay to love your parents still, but love doesn’t mean you must accept mistreatment. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and trust. If your parent chooses not to provide that, maintaining distance is an act of self-love, self-respect, and self-care, not cruelty, malice, or unforgiveness towards them. As a matter of fact, forgiveness does not mean that you trust someone who is harming you, nor does it mean that you should not establish boundaries or that you will reconcile with someone who is not genuinely remorseful, demonstrated by behavioral modification without relapse. Permit yourself to prioritize your well-being. Your peace, mental health, and happiness matter. Choosing to go no contact was likely an act of self-preservation, and questioning your decision is a natural part of the healing path. Still, it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. Remember that it’s fine to prioritize your emotional well-being over the expectations of others. Trust yourself to take care of you! And don’t feel guilty for it! You have not done anything wrong. By acknowledging your feelings, reminding yourself of your reasons, and seeking support, you can reaffirm your choice and continue to move forward in a way that protects yourself, honors your health, and leads to a more fulfilling life.