RECOGNIZING NARCISSISTIC LOVE FOR WHAT IT TRULY IS

August 9, 2023

Sherrie L. King, M.S., LPC

Trust Your Inner Self

We all need to be loved, accepted, and feel like we have family and friendships in which to belong. This is one of the reasons it is so hard to believe it when those you hold close and dear to your heart, treat you like they don’t love you. Rather than trust the warning screams coming from your inner self, cautioning you to disregard the words of the narcissist, you start self-gaslighting; denying the reality of what is happening directly in front of your face. You would be smart to accept the wise words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them!”    

Narcissists Impersonate Love

Narcissists participate in behaviors that impersonate love. The aim for impersonating love is to gain the affection, confidence, and trust of victims.  After the narcissist has earned trust, they use your affection toward them to manipulate and control to get their needs and desires fulfilled by you. Some of the impersonating behaviors of love include idealization, hoovering, love-bombing, and co-dependency. 

Idealization

Idealizations inflate positive qualities about a person whether they are true or not. These communications are typically reassuring, inspiring, or uplifting. The narcissist is purposeful in coming up with amplified words to say in order to attract you so that you will ignore any feelings of uncertainty you have about them.  They might try to make it sound like you are better than them, or too good for them; all the while, they are fishing for you to compliment them. Once the narcissist can no longer hide their masked self, the idealizing will stop and they will start to belittle you every chance they get.

Hoovering 

Hoovering is a manipulative method a narcissist uses to cunningly re-enter your life. For instance, they might call and say that it was an accident. The call is not really in error. What the narcissist is hoping for is to begin a conversation with you. If they succeed in getting you to engage in conversation, it’s only a matter of time before they suggest a face-to-face visit. You might even get a fauxpology, which is an insincere apology. The fauxpology is only offered to defraud you into believing that they are genuine. Don’t fall for it! Narcissists present as very nice, charming, and kind during this time so as to disarm any second-thoughts, doubts, or insecurities you might be having about allowing them back into your life. 

Love-bombing 

A false expression of love is exactly the way to define love-bombing. As the narcissist hoovers in order to reel you back into their grasp, they will excessively tell you how much they care about you, how special you are, or give you gifts. While the narcissist is love-bombing, simultaneously, they are trying to convince you that you are the one who misunderstood or did something to cause the negative interactions. If you believe the narcissist, they will once again show you how unvalued you are to them.

Co-dependency

Codependence often feels like love because it is experienced as being cared for. However, codependence is based upon the need for someone to make you feel admired, attended to, esteemed, confident, and many other validating emotions. A narcissist never chooses you for love. On the contrary, you are chosen based upon the narcissist’s belief in their ability to get what they want from you.  

Does The Narcissist Love Me

I’m sorry in advance for hurting your feelings. The answer is “No!” The narcissist in your life does not love you. They use unhealthy manipulative traits masquerading as love. They are desperate to hold on to attention, admiration, and the benefits received from interacting with victims; even if it means initiating a fight.

 In order to love another, one must genuinely care enough about the feelings and concerns of others. Narcissists only regard their personal profit and pleasure; especially how they can be advantaged. If you tolerate their lies instead of acknowledging your inner truth, they will use you as a stairway to his or her advantage. Remember, when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them!