THE HIDDEN MOTIVES BEHIND NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS’ SUICIDE THREATS

September 1, 2024

Sherrie L. King, M.S., LPC, GC-C

Thriving on Control

Parents' positions of power and authority can influence, direct, or manage their children's behavior, actions, or decisions. When parents act in the best interest of their child, they cultivate a healthy, consistent, and nurturing environment that supports the child’s well-being. However, in the case of narcissistic mothers, an abuse of power and authority is frequently employed. The narcissistic mother is aware of the inequality of power between her and her daughter. She does not care about her daughter’s feelings or the short and long-term effects of her controlling behavior towards her daughter. This abusive mother only cares about what she wants, how she desires to feel, and that her self-image is preserved. Therefore, she exerts dominance by utilizing power and authority to control her child via persuasion, coercion, manipulation, or creating unrealistic as well as unfair rules and expectations of her daughter. These behaviors are malignant intentions to control the daughter’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors so that the outcome is just as the narcissistic mother wishes it to be and is willing to sacrifice her daughter to influence the outcome.

Maintaining Self-Image

Your narcissistic mother is always extremely concerned with maintaining a self-image that will gain attention, accolades, validation, and admiration from those in her social circle, individuals perceived as possessing status, plus others who might be of benefit to her. To preserve this image, she tends to engage in scheming and dominating actions that aid in presenting an idealized version of herself while concealing her true character. For example, a narcissistic mother typically presents herself as a loving, caring, and self-sacrificing parent. She may go the extra mile to appear generous, kind, and supportive in front of others. Still, behind closed doors, she is mean, destructively critical, insulting, expressing resentment for her daughter’s birth, and at times violent. Narcissistic mothers carefully manage their image by ensuring that the destructive aspects of their true character are kept hidden from outsiders.

Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting, also referred to as deflection, is a form of manipulation used by the narcissist to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or behaviors. The intent is to transfer guilt or shame onto the victim. More often than not, it is effective because the abuser is aware of the victim’s insecurities, vulnerabilities, and lack of ability to defend themselves. Narcissists will find reasons to blame you for unfavorable outcomes rather than taking responsibility for themselves. Deflection shows up as verbal abuse and often occurs together with gaslighting behaviors. Blame shifting places the responsibility for negative behaviors onto you, and gaslighting is a method of psychological abuse that leads the victim to question his or her actual experiences. Blame-shifting and gaslighting used simultaneously might show up following an abusive episode, such as when a daughter suffered a beating; when she expressed her feelings about the abuse, she was told that it had not occurred in that way and it was her fault; instead of the blame being placed upon the person hitting her as well as the bystander who was an accessory by neglecting to intervene.  

Threats of Suicide

Threats of suicide are a blame-shifting tactic used to intentionally attempt to maintain control of their target as well as any narratives. Narcissists will do whatever is necessary to achieve their goals.  Don’t expect the narcissist to accept responsibility or to behave accountably. To continue to dominate you, suicidal threats might be used. Statements are made such as, “You make me want to kill myself” or “When I kill myself, everyone will know that it’s your fault.”  Another reason for this deflection method is to manipulate you into compliance, prioritize the narcissist's concerns, make you feel sorry for them, as well as to induce guilt while rerouting attention away from their actions and behaviors. If the narcissist in your life is threatening you with suicide, it is not your fault, so don’t take responsibility for their feelings and decisions. Consider calling 911 or 988, which is a suicide hotline, in case of an emergency.