TRAPPED BY FEAR: WHAT KEEPS YOU STUCK IN NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

October 24, 2024

 Sherrie L. King, M.S., LPC, GC-C

What is Fear

Fear is an emotion. It is a necessary survival tool that helps us to avoid or, at times, react to harmful situations. However, it can become unhealthy when it is sustained over time. It is regularly connected to experiences of anxiety, helplessness, unease, and perhaps apprehension. Fear typically stems from encountering threats, whether they are actual or imaginary. Frequently, being scared happens in anticipation of future harm. For example, a victim of narcissistic abuse might feel afraid before bringing up a concern because they know that the narcissist will likely counter with anger, withholding affection, rejection, and maybe physical violence. Past trauma also triggers fear responses due to a history of abuse, such as constant belittlement, insults, or being made to feel worthless. Over time, fear increases because the victim expects to be hurt in some way or another, making them anxious and nervous about confrontations, as well as most interactions with others.

Trapped by Fear and Avoidance

When undergoing stressful circumstances, some people tend to engage in negative coping strategies instinctually. Various tactics are used to escape facing problems. Most of the time, individuals are afraid of the emotional and psychological pain connected with the recollection of narcissistic abuse, so they try to avoid thinking about it. Ongoing fears often lead to avoidance behaviors since this unhealthy method temporarily reduces discomfort and anxiety. A key word is temporary. This means that the discomfort, anxiety, and fear will present over and over again until the issue is confronted, distorted thinking, as well as negative core belief systems, are changed, and a healthy perspective is gained. Avoidance reinforces fear because it prevents exposure and learning that you are empowered to make decisions that will keep you safe. To grow beyond the trapped point of avoidance, you must understand and believe that you have the ability to exert control over your own environment. Friend, you have the choice to let go of the narcissist in your life. They are not entitled to be in your life; you get to choose how much space they will have in your life or whether the narcissist will be in your life at all. Friend, have confidence in yourself!

Trapped by Fear of Consequences

The fear of consequences from a narcissist can significantly influence a person's decision to take action. Narcissists often use tactics that paralyze their victims to inaction, such as explosive anger, blame-shifting, physical punishment, manipulation, intimidation, and other retaliatory or emotional control schemes to maintain power; which creates a trapped and anxious feeling about taking independent steps. While the victim entertains thoughts about the possible negative consequences of taking actions separate from the narcissist, it leads to extreme rumination, avoidance of decisions, and, again, the feeling of being trapped. Fear of the narcissist can sustain dependence upon them mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially; you will maintain fearfulness and continue to live an imprisoned life if you don’t break free from the narcissist. You are a capable and valuable person with the competence to make wise judgments without the narcissist. Friend, have confidence in yourself!

Trapped by Focusing on Losses Rather than Gains

Over-focusing on what you might lose if you leave the narcissist as opposed to the freedom, independence, and peace you will gain when you are relieved of the madness will keep you trapped and stuck in narcissistic abuse. Concentrating on losing the narcissist's approval to avoid conflict or punishment will cause you to prioritize the narcissist's needs and desires over your own and compromise your ability to set boundaries or take action steps towards your desired goals. Fear of losing financial support or status can prevent you from taking steps to leave or establish independence. Fixing your mind on the risks of failure rather than on the likelihood of overcoming and learning to thrive will prolong your stuck position. Centering your thoughts on how you can avoid triggering the narcissist is the path to walking on eggshells instead of making decisions in your own best interest. Friend, have confidence in yourself!

Trapped by Inappropriate Feelings of Obligation

Survivors of narcissistic trauma have been trained to feel a deep obligation toward their abuser and enablers. Narcissists and their supporters use guilt as a tool to make the victims feel obligated to cater to their needs. They might say things like, “After all I’ve done for you,” or “I don’t have anyone but you.” Enablers might say things like, “People make mistakes,” “Well, they have changed,” or “Show some forgiveness,” along with other adages. If you accept the sayings, you will experience an inappropriate guilt leading to your being stuck. Most victims of narcissistic abuse fear encountering conflict with the narcissist. It does not matter what you do, don’t do, express, or withhold expressing; there is no way to avoid clashing with the narcissist. Your well-being should not come second to the narcissist. You are not obligated to sacrifice yourself and accept responsibility for the narcissist's comfort and security. As long as you do not act in your own best interest and implement firm boundaries with the narcissist, your mental health will suffer. Think about what you need in order to live a quality life of health and wellness. Think less about any obligation you have been trained to believe you have towards the narcissist and their enablers. The true love and acceptance you are struggling to receive from the narcissist does not and will not exist. You might feel like you love the narcissist. Have you considered that it is possible to love someone and leave them? Friend, have confidence in yourself!

Breaking Free

Since narcissists often use many tactics that paralyze their victims, the targets feel powerless and question reality. Over time, the victim feels alone and becomes dependent on the abuser. The fear of losing the abuser or facing emotional, financial, or physical consequences makes it harder to break free. Leaving or having no contact with a narcissist can be difficult. However, it is possible to recognize that you have the power to make healthy decisions for yourself. Action step number one is to recognize that you are experiencing abuse. No, you did not do anything to create the problem. The narcissist believes that they have the right to control and claim ownership of others that produced the issues. Overcoming barriers to your liberty and freedom requires courage, self-compassion, decisiveness, and often outside support from a therapist plus trusted individuals who understand narcissistic abuse. Building safety, regaining confidence, and establishing a solid action plan for moving forward are essential. Once you leave, you can start rebuilding your life with clarity, strength, and freedom. Friend, trust yourself. You are empowered to act in your own best interest.