WHY SOME VICTIMS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE BECOME HOARDERS

October 3, 2023

Sherrie L. King, M.S., LPC, GC-C

What Is Hoarding Disorder

Hoarding disorder is an obsessive-compulsive need to accumulate things or animals excessively. Objects can be gathered by purchasing, collecting free bits and pieces, dumpster diving, stealing, and leftovers from a previous loss, as well as by other means.  Due to the excessive buildup of stuff or animals, an overwhelming amount of clutter is seen by onlookers.  Since people engaging in hoarding behaviors experience difficulties with discarding items whether they are valuable or not, space typically becomes very limited.

One Loss After Another

As someone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, you have likely suffered one hurt after another. You probably experienced the loss of unconditional family love, lacked in acceptance, a place where you felt like you belonged, and had the ability to trust damaged. Sometimes, pets are threatened to be killed or actually murdered. It is also possible that you have been exploited in multiple ways. For example, in your youth, you might have earned money only to have it taken; or perhaps you were removed from the will; or sadly, maybe your virginity was stolen. Undoubtedly, you longed for the parent you never had or perhaps the hoped-for future you never realized.

Starting over is something you might have done on numerous occasions. There are so many losses suffered by victims of narcissistic abuse. If you do not see your particular loss, you can mentally add it to the list.

Substantial Loss Generates the Urge to Hoard

Due to the many hurtful feelings resulting from repeated losses, the urge to hoard is generated. When loss is cumulative, the self can develop the belief that it must mount up due to the fear of an unsafe future. Stockpiling things or animals frequently makes the person experience a false sense of safety. By hoarding, the victim inadvertently believes the lie that they have built a barrier to protect self from re-living the horrible events that lead to their suffering in the first place. Having faith in this lie provides a temporary decrease in anxiety, which can come crashing down once memories are triggered.  

Avoiding Fears Through Hoarding

Underneath the hoarding behavior are attempts to avoid facing certain fears. Confronting fears are evaded so intensely that unhealthy emotional attachments develop with items or animals. These unhealthy emotional attachments make it hard to think rationally about letting go of worthless things. Keeping everything and getting rid of nothing often shows fear of lack, poverty, or a life filled with psychological, emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse. The fear of being abandoned, unaccepted, unloved, and feeling like one does not have a place to belong, is avoided by taking in an unreasonable number of animals without giving thought to overcrowding, lack of food, nor veterinary care. By means of avoiding what is feared, the hoarder can pretend to be safe.

Rationale Behind Avoiding Fears

If you’re questioning the rationale behind avoiding, let me explain. First of all, if your mind remembers, then your emotions will experience the same disturbing bodily sensations related to the past. These undesirable physical sensations are often what the hoarder is trying to escape in addition to admitting the full-throated truth about their abuser. They don’t want to re-experience the wounding emotions; only encounter physical, psychological, and emotional safety.  Holding on to things or animals, or whatever the objects of collection, causes the person feel safe, so they rarely get rid get rid of anything.

Courage to Heal 

It takes courage to heal, because it means acknowledging the truth about devious acts perpetrated against you, overcoming shame, and embarrassment, in addition to letting go of a wished-for life. In order to truly heal from narcissistic abuse, we must confront our lives by processing the painful losses. I do not mean to minimize your pain. I acknowledge that emotional pain is real and challenging to face. However, desperately attempting to elude emotional pain only serves as a temporary patch for a problem that will be long-term if left unaddressed. While efforts invested in working towards healing is uncomfortable, the results of resilience, self-trust, confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, competence, and post-traumatic growth is long-term for those engaging in self-monitoring and relapse-prevention behaviors.